Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Where does the time go?

Wow, October 22nd was the last posting!  Not much going on in the sex department.  Various problems with life going on, typical reason for hotwives or swingers not to play.  I get a bit tired of the weather here...rain and cool today, had several inches of snow within the last week.  Not into that snow stuff at all.  Yes, it can be pretty but the mess after it starts to melt.

First the boring non-sex stuff.  Brandi's work is going okay.  I think at times it is a bit frustrating to her.  Her boss isn't that good (in many respects not at all a good worker or a good boss  but for some reasons the rules do not apply to her...Teflon and she is so self centered she is sure that everyone one loves her...other workers make fun of her to my wife and express sympathy to Brandi for having to work with her) and some of her fellow workers are  not the best and the brightest.  I think back to my flying days and I have to admit that for the most part airline workers were pretty bright and least in comparison to some in retail! Son is still the same place as Brandi.  Their schedules don't match so that sucks...both would like to save some gas by carpooling with each other. 

Cats are doing okay but it is obvious that our senior cat is getting old.  I hope he makes it for another year.  For various reasons we gave the dog we had to a friend that had lost their dog.  Seeing the dog's excitement when I stopped by and saw the friend was kind of like ripping my heart out...the dog was quite excited to see me.  While I know all the problems the dog caused us and how much more care a dog needs and my own problems at training a young dog...I also find it pretty easy to fall in love with a pet and stay in love with them.

There is some work going on to add to our garage and make it more into a garage/shop and later we hope to close in the dog runs since we are not going to have dogs in the future.  Well, except maybe one or two...

Darling Daughter is getting married.  We have not met the guy.  They have not been dating too long.  He seems to be much...much...MUCH better than some of DD's boyfriends in the past!  Educated, smart and driven.  DD is having some medical problems and will have some medical work done this month that should help.  Stress is not good for her at all right now.  She dropped out of school, Doctor's orders.  But you know how a wedding can be stressful.  I am trying to be optimistic that she will not become a "Bridezilla"!

Son is thinking of going to a trade school, a somewhat demanding physically trade but one that pays well.  Not sure at this time if he should do it but he does need to find a better thing that working retail for a career and to move out in a bit so he can see what living is actually like...paying all your bills and the actual stuff like doing laundry, dishes, cleaning the house a bit...the usual stuff of being an adult!

We also seem to be having two long term house guests in a bit...not sure how that happened and they have a rather large dog...think something like a husky!  An active young dog that chases cats!  Rent?  No idea!  Duration of stay?  No idea!  Me have any idea what is going on with them?  NO!  Just don't think it might be such a good idea...but no one asked me.  Yet at some point people will expect me to pull a miracle out of my butt and save things...

I have to admit that I don't really like the idea of guests with no fixed limit in this case.  Brandi isn't all that hot about having sex in the house with our son here so to have two more young men in the house does not bode well for an improvement on our sex life.  When the kids were young Brandi would (weather permitting) do yard work naked or almost naked...a pair of  shorts or cut-offs or swimsuit bottoms and topless or just a mesh top and no bottoms...or just a hat and smile.  She would also spend most the time naked in the house...rather enjoyable.  Those days are long, long past!

So that is one dog.  The second dog might be DD's dog if her soon to be husband cannot live with a dog...

My health problems are unchanged...still the head pain from the accident and my back is slowly getting worse.  Age and damage.  At times my days are very limited and I don't like that at all.  I never thought that a thirty-five minute car ride to town would cause me intense pain!

But the one thing that might be changing..?.  After two years or so of not playing...after a long time of not having any idea where Brandi and my sex life might be going...after several years of maybe once a month sex between the two of us Brandi now claims that she might like a lover.  We shall see.  She has no one in mind.  Doesn't seem too interested in looking at what AFF or AM or Kasidie might offer in the way of males.  So I am not sure where she expects to find a lover.  (Work does not seem to be a place she expects to find a lover either from her comments about most the males that work there.) 

Anyone know much about Kasidie?  I joined today.  Spent some time filling out a profile and all that to see it all just go no where!  Have not tried again yet.  Anyone have suggestions for a place for a couple (with a wife that can date by herself) to look for a lover for her?  (Keep need to rush and comment and help us  yet!)

The big bomb that Brandi dropped on me a few days ago was that DD (DD would have been about 14 or so??) knew of her playing around about ten years ago.  It does match the time that things changed  for the worse as far as our sex life (but didn't quite stop all the playing for a while) in our sex life.  There was a dramatic change in our relationship, our swinging/hotwife stuff and our relationship out of bed as well about ten years ago.  Me being almost always "wrong" about sex among other things.  Less interest in playing with others.  Fewer times of playing with others.  A big decrease in the sex between us...a big increase in her limits of things.  I don't know how to respond to the new information at all.  I do feel more than a bit betrayed by Brandi.  I should have been told.  I am still feeling some anger about it as well!  A lot of damage in our relationship has been done in the last ten or so years.  Our recent sex life can be shown by we had sex once in January, about the 17th.  I masturbated her to a couple of orgasms about the 22nd of January.  No sex of any sort in February.  I masturbated her and ate her to several orgasms March 01...the idea being that we would play on March 02...I was pretty sure that would not  happen since for the past few years most the time she has an orgasm or two she loses most if not all interest in sex for about month to six weeks.  It was obvious that she was subtly working on things to make sure that we would not do what we have planned to do on Tuesday (old people get a discount on the first Tuesday of the month in a local so we try to do some heavy shopping on that day) and long before the sun went down I was sure that sex was not on the menu any more either.

And I was right.  Sex was not on the menu, not on the calendar, not on the schedule.  What she is unwilling to face that the past years have taught me no to really take her word at face value (I find it bit depressing that I know that when Brandi or my son makes a "promise" to me they don't feel any real need to actually do what they have promised and at the same time they admit that while I don't always keep my promises as quickly as they would like I do usually keep them and make considerable effort at keeping any promise I make to offends me that Brandi's response to me asking about her promises seems to be pretty what?  No big deal to her at all.) and that any promises on sex tends to be more of a promise to do the exact opposite.  We really are at the point that I don't care all that much that we don't have sex more than once a month (in a good month) and that the sex tends to be Brandi having a few or more orgasms from my efforts and no orgasm for me, I actually at this time avoid having sex with her in that I try to avoid letting her do anything to get me off...I find I am just not interested in her begrudging actions to give me an orgasm.  While I still very much want to have sex (and I really want to have good sex with her) I also have a feeling of only going where I am wanted and Brandi has spent a lot of time making sure that I understand that sex does not mean much to her, not worth any effort from her and any words from her on sex that are not negative about sex are probably lies.  I've learned at 59 that there can be sex that is crappy enough to cause one to rather do without than to have it. 

As I told her....I used to (and at times still do) look for reasons, times and places to have sex with her and she looks for reasons not to have sex.  I can spent twenty minutes working out a compliment that I figure that she cannot take wrong...try to figure out any and all ways that one could take it wrong...then when at last I think that I have that compliment (sincere and honest) crafted with no possible way to take it wrong...she can figure out in a nanosecond how to take it wrong and takes it wrong!

So our life these days is just event after event like when she said that we would get a new floppy drive so I can go through all the old floppies we have with pictures on them (we had a Mavica that shot onto floppies and we have hundreds if not a thousand or more floppies with pictures and mostly non-sexual pictures) and we need to get them on something else so we can save them and use them and share them with the kids...and of course share the sexual ones with other than the kids.  Hasn't happened yet. But I still get talked at about..."Why don't you have those floppies sorted out?!

She talked about getting something that combined being a liberal with being into firearms.  Very time limited you might guess it didn't of those things we were supposed to do yesterday.  The offer is dead.  The part that confuses and bugs me about this...she is the one urging me to take that offer for the firearm related deal, she is the one urging me to save the picture on the floppies.  We have a car that needs a battery....yesterday was ten percent off, the old one was under warranty and of course the warranty is time limited...and the old battery sits, the car sits and yet I still get criticized for not getting that car running...  Just one more thing that I am supposed to do but she and Son are busy trying to make it impossible for me to do it.  "Why don't you have that old Ford running?"  "Why haven't  you fixed that noise on the Jag?"  (No money for parts and no other car running so I can have a car down for a couple of days...)

So while I would be delighted if she would start playing again (I enjoyed her playing for the pleasure it brought her and for the pleasure I got from watching her or knowing about it it also in the past meant that the more playing with others that she did the more sex we  had just between the two of I am pretty sure that our sex life would improve if she actually did start playing with others about trying to load one sentence with too much!...) I have to admit that I really, really tend to doubt that she will.  Once in a while she will complain about the lack of sex she also tells me that she does not masturbate at all  and she is the one calling the shots on her (our) sex life.  Until she makes some sort of effort to improve her (and our) sex life it just isn't going to happen and all she has to do is look in the mirror to see the person that is her major stumbling block in any effort for her to have a better sex life.

So, after thinking about it, after writing about it I am over 90% sure that this is like all the other times that she told me that she was readying and willing and able and even a bit eager to play with a new lover or to have a better sex life.   I think it is safe for me not to bother to check on the ads at AFF, AM and no need to try to actually write a profile at Kasidie.  Interesting in that I started out thinking that this might be a thing that will actually happen but by using this post to gather my thoughts and think about it I became convinced that it really means nothing and that there will be no change.  The only real news was finding out that she had been "yelled" at by DD around?? ten years or so ago about she might have been having sex with other males...  I am thinking about the damage that the initial criticism has caused us and the continuing damage for all the years that Brandi kept it hidden.  Oh cannot change the past but one can hope to learn from it...  I do want to close by saying that no one would be more delighted than me if all of a sudden that Brandi wanted to have a better sex life.  Words cannot express my joy if that happened.  Even with our no-sex relationship I do still love her.  But at this point she is the one that needs to make some effort to improve things.  I guess in a lot of ways this is like dealing with an alcoholic or a drug addict...friends and family can help, can urge, can try to teach but the real change has to come from within.  

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